It comes to something in the 21st Century when a Government Minister, unable to persuade police to open the main gates of Downing Street so he and his bicycle (and you thought he was too posh to pushbike) wouldn’t suffer the total indignity of having to pass through one of the side gates – and yes, they’re calling it GateGate – can’t express himself in the entirely reasonable manner of a toff scorned by stating: “Best you learn your fucking place. You don’t run this fucking government. You’re fucking plebs“.

(And before you ask, let me say now I’m completely certain Andrew Mitchell has never fucked a pleb in his whole life.  Unless you count Naughty Nellie, of course – £7.50 a pop in Mount Street, Chief Whip extra, John Lewis List approved. Oh, Chief Whips are located along the left hand side of the sub-basement, one down from the pelvic floor.  Which is a coincidence, seeing as most of the Tories populating the Cabinet are cunts very hard-working indeed).

The problem stems from the fact that it’s not that the Tories are too grand, it’s that the rest of the population is, well, too infra.  (Just my little dig there).

Sadly, it does little to dispel the notion that the Upper Classes are obsessed with class.  Which is odd, since most of them possess no class whatsoever.

So to repair the considerable damage Mr Mitchell has caused the newly-reshuffled Cabinet (is this record timing for whiplash injuries?),  to reconnect with the plebs, er, general populace  – who just might pool their braincell(s) together at the next General Election and vote Labour – erstwhile Culture Secretary, Jeremy Cunt  Hunt, has suggested a charm offensive (and let’s face it, the Conservatives are pretty offensive):- a popular singing combo targeted at the hoi polloi for when we’re eating our tripe and downing our meths of a Saturday evening, to give us something to tap our down-at-heel er, heels to.

Ladies and Gentlemen (not in the figurative sense, of course – unless there are any Tories amongst you reading this?  Shouldn’t you be out in your grounds supervising the moat-cleaning?) I give you The Spice Boys:-

POSH SPICE

David Cameron (the one on the right) attended one of the top public schools in the country, and thus is perfectly qualified to make a meringue of his own Eton mess.

POSH SPICE

Francis Maude (the one on the right) is a multi-millionaire businessman, who argued on national TV that cutting his £65,738 salary by 5% was similar to the pain felt by the country’s poor.

POSH SPICE

Iain Duncan Smith (the one on the far right) is Work and Pensions Secretary, who is planning to stop top-up benefits for those who can only find part-time work, demanding they earn a minimum amount each week from their jobs.  That the Government is not creating.

Andrew Mitchell is, at time of writing, Chief  Whip, although ask me again in half an hour.  Right, but not very Honorable, he called two policemen ‘plebs’ a few days after two police officers were murdered for being police officers.  Responsible for the best-known Spice Boys songs:-

Who do you think you are?

Wannabe

Stop