And now the shipping forecast.  The general synopsis at five to midnight.

Refugees

Rising

Patience

Falling

Brexit

Soon

Downing Street    

Squally, turbulent, outlook hysterical

May

Fog

North UK

Rockall

South UK

Affluent, backing Tory

Corbyn

Dull

Electorate

Depressed

Dogger, Fisher, German Bite

Clapham Common, Grimsby, Sauerkraut, intermittently Merkel

Sausagepastie

Soggy, wind 5 or 6, decreasing later

UKIP

Extreme front

Voters

Poor, veering Far Right

Americans

Turning Trump, becoming bonkers

The world awoke this morning to discover it had been turned into a cartoon, with Donald J. Duck having been elected as President of the United States of America.

Puffed-up in both appearance and behaviour, with a large beak, tiny wings, and extravagant plumage on top of his head, Mr Duck is known for his short-temper, bullying, and semi-intelligible speech. Typical of his kind, using his mouth for dredging, he is of the fresh variety, who is unafraid to play with cats without their owners’ permission.

He campaigned on a platform of Mickey Mouse policies and quackery.

In his victory speech he was generous in thanking his family, including Huey, Dewey and Ivanka (who’s married to Jewey).

Mr Duck’s cohorts are habitually found in swamps, amid large populations of loons.

RIP satire.