Archive for September, 2016
aka A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare
Cameronius loves Junckerio and Junckerio loves Cameronius, although only in an ironic way. Govio loves Borisius Johnsonio – at least he does until the magic love drops wear off – while Borisius Johnsonio used to love Govio but now loves only Borisius Johnsonio, leading Govio to suddenly knife him in the back with a very expensive John Lewis silver stiletto 64 million people paid for without meaning to, which he keeps up his sleeve in case of emergencies.
Farragio, in love with Adolphio, prefers Ukipius to any of them, and in order to enforce his wishes upon the Royal Court, gives an ultimatum to all the subjects in the land to choose between Cameronius and life in Europea, or a long, lingering, lonely death with no friends adrift in the North Sea, by 23rd June.
Meanwhile, complications arise in the Forest of Light Relief, where a collection of talentless celebrity craftsmen, led by Bigginsio, King of the Fairies, who is always keen to play Bottom, are tasked with performing an entertainment to be watched by Biggius Brotheronium and 5 hapless plebiscites who plainly lost a bet. Bigginsio is, however, removed from the production after going off-script to make a very funny joke about a fellow craftswoman’s aversion to being carted off to the death camps and gassed to death. Which turns out not to be very funny after all. But then, he is an ass.
The good citizens of the land vote to stay in Europea, while the bad citizens of the land, who outnumber the good citizens, even though they have a collective IQ of 3, vote to leave. Cameronius, having stated he would remain Duke whatever happened, rescinds his title and tells Junckerio they can no longer be together.
The climax of the summer ensues: the race to become Duke of the Tories. Govio and Johnsonio, Liesander Foxglove (an idiot, named after his fondness for inscribing ridiculous proclamations on the sides of public wagons), Stefano Crabbe (a bearded idiot nobody’s ever heard of), Titania Leadsom (a tit) and Mayhem, Ice Queen of the Tories, notorious for her hand-stitched-by-artisans footwear, and her bespoke jewellery designed by the surprising accessories success story of the year, B&Q, all vie for the Dukedom. Govio and Foxglove lose in the first round, while Johnsonio removes himself from the contest before everyone else does. Stefano Crabbe, having run on a family ticket, catches crabs from sexting someone not in his family (though he thought she was just the ticket), and Titania Leadsom is revealed to be too much of a clotpole even for an Elizabethan comedy. This leaves Mayhem, Ice Queen of the Tories, as Duke of The Tories by default.
Thankfully, most nightmares come to an end, though this one just runs and runs. Junckerio promises to exact revenge on Mayhem for Cameronius’ betrayal, Govio is sent into exile, and Johnsonio, Liesander Foxglove and Davidius Davidius (a court jester), form an uneasy pact to ensure all the peace and considerable spoils of the past 40 years are totally and utterly reduced to pixie dust. Bigginsio attempts to revive his inexplicable popularity by playing the back end of a donkey in Christmastide entertainments, and the good citizens of the land pack up their possessions to make for the run-down castles of the Poitou-Charentes, leaving behind only a note addressed to 17.4 million bad citizens of the land:-
“All for your delight we are not here”