SUPERFICIAL ANALYSIS OF THE TOP STORIES

MOODY BUGGERS

Credit agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK’s rating from AAA to AA1, thereby buggering up Chancellor George Osborne’s nailing of his reputation to previous assertions that any downgrading would be disastrous and totally humiliating.

Despite Moody’s explanation that the decision was based on a lack of growth prospects, the Chancellor stated the Tories austerity programme, which was not creating growth, was clearly justified by Moody’s non-creation of growth downgrading, and that he would not be changing course on delivering non-growth to an economy in dire need of growth.

Luckily, this complex philosophical conundrum can be reduced to a simple mathematical equation:-

CAMERON

                                      __________________           =      2015 XPM

 A BARREL

The agency especially singled out problems from “the ongoing domestic public-and-private-sector deleveraging process”.  Which is another way of saying that going from AAA to AA means the Tories’ Energizer Bunny is totally fucked.

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CARDINAL SIN

Britian’s most senior Catholic cleric, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, has been sacked by the outgoing Pope (although he’s always looked pretty miserable to me) for allegations by four clerics of his ‘Catholic tastes’. Plainly, many upstanding men of the cloth understand celibacy merely as something long and thin you stick into a Bloody Mary.  O’Brien, known for his hardline stance against gay marriage, and friend of Jimmy Savile (which is similar to being a friend of Dorothy), will not now be eligible to cast his vote for the next former-Nazi octogenarian leader of the world’s Catholics.  He has apologized, whilst not admitting any wrongdoing, for something he didn’t do but is apologizing for.  Which makes about as much sense as requiring red-bloodied men to forego having sex for life, whilst at the same time showing their flock that the Church is relevant to them.

No wonder the 12th Century Prophecy of the Popes predicts that the next Pope will be the last.  Pope on a rope, anyone?

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BEING LIBERAL WITH THE TRUTH

As if the Liberal Democrats weren’t in enough trouble now they’ve become Tories, hapless leader Nick Clegg is in a political spin about having ordered a 2008 investigation into Lord Rennard’s alleged sexual improprieties with assorted women five years before he just recently heard about them in 2013.

Mr Clegg told the media he was “angry and outraged” at the suggestion he would not have acted had he heard about these “indirect and non-specific” allegations in 2008, but that he had acted to deal with them anyway, even though he hadn’t then heard about them.

Lord Rennard – an instrumental figure in the modern-day success of the Lib Dems, personally responsible for Clegg’s initial safe Sheffield seat, and subsequently his winning of the party leadership – is well-known for playing dirty in his political career, as well as being exposed (sorry) as having something of a dirty mind. Though I’m sure it will eventually transpire that the overweight, balding, bespectacled Baron simply relied on his charm when conveying to female party members that they would make no further progress unless they partied with his member.

Ahem.

SUPERMARKET STEAKS 

2.30  TESCO’S FASTEST RANGE  (HANDICAP HURDLE)

Going – Tough

Runners

1         So Hungry I Could Eat A Lasagne

2         Bolognaise Bolognaise

3         Aintree Aintbeef

4         Aldi N’Eati (Dead Cert)

5         Red Rum Baba

6         Buy One Get 17 Free (Favourite)

7         Finest Filly Steak

8         Finest Filler Steak

9         One Hundred Per Cent Beef (Non-Runner)

10        Lidl Label Lies

11        Stable Diet

12        My Little Pony Unhappy Meal

13        Hot to Trots (Chase)

14        Testing Testing (Out of All In A Stew)

BETTING – Tote Unbelievable