Rules. Where would we be without them? Personally, I’d be wearing opera glasses and those sucker things on my hands and knees, stuck to the outside windows of George Clooney’s bathroom (which could well be dangerous on so many levels. Especially if his bathroom is on the top floor). So rules are obviously a necessary part of life and the sooner we get used to that, the better.
Naturally, we’re not all in a position to write the rules. Not all of us went to Eton (well, I drove past it one rainy afternoon in an old Saab, but I don’t think that counts). Not all of us are deranged, out of touch dictators, unsure of the true meaning of democracy. (Who went to Eton. But that’s enough of British politics.) Only one of us is Silvio Berlusconi (although half of us appear to have slept with him). And what a huge relief that is, it obviously being an enormous burden to use one’s elite position to teach, guide, prescribe and proscribe to the population at large in an all-knowing, but caring and morally responsible manner.
Having recently seen the leaked 3,786 weird, nit-picking finely-tuned, well-thought out stipulations for posting on Facebook devised by plainly sexually-repressed oddball totally regular nothing-abnormal-about-him kind of a guy Mark Zuckerberg, I thought the time has come for a little stipulating and devising regarding my own blog. (I’m bored. Can’t go out ’til the washing machine’s finished).
Oh, and for the record, Mr Zuckerberg may indeed be a little pleased with himself with his 800 million site members, but much as I don’t like to trumpet my own success, I’ll just point out that this week – that’s a mere seven days! – Reversing Over Expats has increased its listed readership by a staggering 50%! That’s right; I’ve got 3 official followers now, up from 2. So stick that in your flotation portfolio, fruitcake.
REVERSING OVER EXPATS SITE RULES
1. No spitting.
2. No ball games.
3. No Ed Balls’ games.
4. Don’t sound your horn after midnight.
5. One foot to be on the floor at all times.
6. Discussion of David Cameron, George Osborne, all banking executives and Simon Cowell to be censored at the discretion of NotNiceEtoile.
7. No photographs of tits. (See point 6 above).
8. No breastfeeding of persons under the age of 17.
9. No images of pixelated Pixies. (I was only fulfilling my contractual obligation to be a Jolly Pixie, how was I supposed to know the Brownie Juice was spiked???)
10. No maps of Turkey, no pictures of turkey breasts. Even if covered in mayonnaise with tomato on rye. (Cartoon turkey breasts OK if wearing a sportsbra and thick sweater).
11. No poaching of animals. (Grilling is acceptable, as long as a range of mustards is available).
12. Pictures of crushed heads OK, especially those as a consequence of popular uprisings.
13. Offside Rule to be chanted on the hour, every hour, after five pints of best on match days:-
A player is in an offside position if he is closer to the opponent’s goal line than both the ball and the second-to-last defender (which is usually the last outfield player), but only if the player is on his opponent’s half of the pitch. “Offside position” is a matter of fact, whereas committing an “offside offence” occurs when the a player is “actively involved” which is subject to the interpretation of the referee. Goals scored after committing an offside offence are nullified if caught by the referee.
How much more clear can that be???
14. No anoraks. Especially those with the initials MZ, no matter how nauseatingly rich they are.
No appeal if you haven’t bathed for three weeks and are wearing socks with sandals. Or your trousers are too short, and/or made of cartoon polyester.
You have been warned.