It’s very hard to explain to those who hail from countries where there’s no constitutional monarchy what it’s all about.  I know this to be so because someone asked me in 1986 what the point of it all is, and I’ve only just managed to come up with the answers.  So in case any of my reader is in any doubt (hello son!  The Pot Noodle’s in the post!  Hope the exams are going well!), here’s the definitive guide to the bunch of inbreds lording it over the rest of us.


1.       We are not actually citizens of Britain, we are subjects of the Queen.  That is to say, we are subjected to many privations unknown anywhere else in the modern Western World.  For example, having to stand out in torrential conditions for four days on the trot, waving small flags on sticks, to celebrate Her Majesty raining reigning for 60 years.  (Or is that decades?  Or perhaps eons? Anyway, she’s been wearing terrible attire and awful hats for at least twice as long as Prince Charles has wanted to be Camilla’s tampon. And looking at Camilla’s face, Charles has probably chosen the right end. Trust me, I’ve got a Politics degree).  But I digress. Other privations our beloved monarch has bestowed on the country include: having to shell out sackloads of dosh for her hangers on, erm, close family of 476 (combined IQ: 12); ugly, draughty palaces; teeth (think Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie); Prince Edward; and corgis.

          If you’re not a dog lover, you might like corgis.  Bad-tempered and snappy, Prince Charles probably likes them, too.  But for all their nasty characteristics (talking about the corgis now, keep up), they are actually quite clever, many of them working as registered gas fitters when they get time off from the Palace.

2.      The Royal Family may rule over Britain, but they come from German stock.  When the Queen Mother – who was rumoured to be the illegitimate offspring of a French cook* – married into the family, she was found to have strong connections with the House of Dubonnet, and thus began her reputation for being commonly drunk with gin.

3.       The number one reason royalists give when defending the institution is that the Royals bring money into the country.  This is indisputably the case.  Over the past couple of decades, Prince Andrew has made more personal wealth from his friendships with US paedophiles, dodgy foreign businessmen and evil dictators, than he’s actually spent from the public purse flying on private jets to do deals with them!  So how can we begrudge his entertaining these people at Buckingham Palace?  After all, what’s the cost of the odd cucumber sandwich when offset against wealth so vast, he’s actually able to bail out his ex-wife on a regular basis?  (Personally, I’d prefer if the corgis weren’t fed for a few days prior to their visits, but I’m only a mere subject – even if my subject happens to be Republican Despair in the 21st Century).

4.     The Queen is famed for her frugality.  To this end, and ever mindful that this is a time of desperate economic hardship for her people, Her Majesty understands that it does not look good to be seen to be increasing the numbers of those living from the Royal Purse.  Thus she has accordingly decided that Prince William’s new wife, Catherine, will only be fed on Jubilee Bank Holidays.  This explains both why the Duchess of Cambridge appears on every outing to have drastically diminished in size, and the decision of her brother to start up a cake business.  (And you won’t find any of those insulting ‘sponge to manual’ anti-Middleton jokes on here, thank you very much.  No, I’m saving them up for another post entirely).

5.      The Queen’s English is little understood.  And not actually true – as I said above, she’s German.  This orphan causes confusion.  Especially when she distributes Maundy Money on a Thursday.  (She takes Wednesdays orff).

I hope this goes a little way to explaining how the almost unique elite system operates in Britain.  And if it doesn’t, at least you’ll understand just what motivates many of us to pack our bags and emigrate to the South of France from time to time.

God bless your Majesty!

(It’s alright, I haven’t gone funny – perish the thought – she just sneezed).

  1. #1 by Finn on June 10, 2012 - 8:19 am

    When David Cameron announced the recent royal wedding at cabinet he suggested that everyone bang the table in celebration. And Prince Philip once said that he’d like to be reincarnated as a deadly virus to solve the problem of overpopulation. But don’t get dispirited. They might skip the next generation and go straight to William. Or even bypass William and go for boozy, Nazi insignia wearing, warmongering Harry. We could maybe find out what their thinking is on the succession, if the weren’t exempt from the Freedom of Information Act.

  2. #2 by diane messias on June 10, 2012 - 10:46 am

    This all explains why people from other countries appreciate the British sense of humour so much – it obviously comes down from the top. And also the sensitivity of the Men in Grey in how they sell the Royals to the country at large: by getting Cheryl Cole to stand next to Her Majesty at the Jubilee Concert to represent all 59,000,000 of we commoners (the other million of the population being, as you know, members of the Royal Family). I can’t think of anyone more suitable, can you?

    Not sure I understand your last comment, though – the Mountbatten-Windsors can THINK???

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