SCRATCH AND SNIFF

CHRISTMAS IDEAS FROM AMUZENEWZ

Never mind those you love, let’s not forget those you hate

1.   A must-have for every Portuguese/Russian Jewish satirist, Good Tidings and Great Joy – Protecting the Heart of Christmas is a tome on the meaning of Christmas as seen by Sarah Palin, one of America’s most stupid stupendously ambitious politicians.  It’s a 200-odd page (and they are indeed odd, believe me) bible of anti-secularism.  We’ve forgotten what Christmas is supposed to represent, Ms Palin proclaims, as she scratches beneath the surface of this seasonal celebration – something she maintains should not be called ‘a holiday’, but ‘Christmas’; a word which has been airbrushed out of the dictionary (a gift once given to her by her parents instead of a Sony Walkman, but which taught her “words matter”.  If only they’d given her some IQ tests the following year) by atheists and non-believers. Christmas doesn’t mean shopping (read all about it in Good Tidings and Great Joy, only $22.99 from Amazon, buy it now!), it means shooting things (a gun is an excellent gift, opening up a whole new world of accessories!): the breeze, non-Christians, gays…

Why, Thomas Jefferson himself would be standing with her, were he able to stand, in her quest to counter the ‘War on Christmas’ waged by “those who would want to try to abort Christ from Christianity.”  Leaving, er, ‘ianity’.  Which is about as close to sanity as the former Vice-Presidential candidate gets.

From the woman who recently intoned in an interview: “I love the commercialization of Christmas, because it spreads the Christmas cheer”, this book is a testament to the strict moral framework she’s instilled in her children, Trig, Track, Ku, Klux and Klan.

So pistol whip the parsnips, snipe a few sprouts, execute some liberals  bread sauce, and celebrate the life of Baby Jesus, who would also be standing alongside Thomas Jefferson were he 1. alive, and 2. not a baby.

God Help You Merry Gentlemen.

(Is it a 12 bore for a turkey?  Or is that just gobbledegook?)

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2.  As if there was ever any doubt, this past week has confirmed that the nation’s favourite buxom chef (no, not Paul Hollywood, he’s a baker, get with the jargon) has a nose for expensive ingredients. Which explains the swift follow up to Nigella Lawson’s last venture, Nigellissima, with her surprise new autobiographical volume, Nigellsniffia.  Whilst the former makes an attractive coffee table book, the sequel will undoubtedly be a favourite in the smallest room in the house, and it comes with an attractive tin foil wrapper.  Little wonder people can’t wait to whip out their credit cards.

I’m euphoric that I can share with you some exclusive recipes Nigella bade me look after while she went off to powder her nose:-

COKE FLOAT

Grab some petty cash, buy a large bag of coke.

COCA COLA CAKE

Cake your nostrils with white powder, sit back and enjoy.

ONION SOUP

Take a large bag of coke, throw the onions in the bin.

Umm, delicious.  Man.

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3.   Mary Baker’s Berry Recipes.

ZZZzzz

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SPECIAL HAPPY HOLIDAYS OFFER FOR SUBSCRIBERS TO THIS BLOG!

Joan Collins’ Her Passion For Life has just been published.  Send us £109.65 and we won’t mail it to you.

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  1. #1 by TwistedByKnaves on December 9, 2013 - 8:59 pm

    That’s a great seasonal offer!

    I understand that these days, the fashion is to send a nice picture with a sincere note of thanks on the back. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2518874/Father-receives-photo-XBox-One-duped-Ebay.html

    • #2 by diane messias on December 9, 2013 - 9:01 pm

      Send double the amount and I won’t send two of them!

      • #3 by TwistedByKnaves on December 9, 2013 - 9:14 pm

        That’s tempting. Do you do bulk discounts? I’m sure I’ve got DOZENS of friends and family who won’t want a copy for Christmas.

      • #4 by diane messias on December 9, 2013 - 9:16 pm

        I’ll have to check my stock…

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