One of the most gratifying things about writing a blog on topical matters is the opportunity it affords to explain highly-complex geopolitical events in a manner simple enough even for politicians to understand.  And that’s without pictures.  So here’s the Ukrainian Crisis in a nutshell.  (Never heard of the Putin Nut?  It’s found all over Northern Eurasia, and appears to be spreading).


Crimea was until very recently composed of 58% ethnic Russians, 24% Ukrainians, and 12% Crimean Tartars (otherwise known as Cream of Tartar, the elite echelon of the ethnic group, who are noted for an easy ability to stabilise eggs, along with a robust sense of humour known the world over as Tartar Sauce).  However, at time of writing, post illegal and thus non-existent referendum, in which 95.5% of votes cast would have elected, had the referendum existed, to secede from Ukraine and join the Russian Federation, Crimea currently appears to be 95.5% Russian.  Proving that an effective means of Tartar removal does exist after all.

During its history Crimea has been ruled by the Cimmerians, Bulgars, Greeks Scythians, Goths, Huns, Khazars, Byzantine Greeks, Kipchaks, Ottoman Turks, Golden Horde Tartars and Mongols; the Venetians and Genoese, the Crimean Khanate and Ottoman Empire, the Russian Empire, Germany, the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic, the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic, Romulans, Klingons, Malcolm Glazer and the East Sheen Acacia Close Residents Association.  (Next AGM at No. 7 on August 4th. Please confirm attendance with Shirley for cupcake reasons).  Whatever makes the Crimeans imagine they have no friends is anyone’s guess.

Anyway, the most pressing question of serious global import is obviously: what will Crimea be performing at the forthcoming Eurovision Song Contest?  (And who knew President Obama took an interest in such matters?)

Answers on the back of a weak sanction, but ten roubles it’s the title of this blog post.


P.S.  It’s the Chorno by-the-way.

  1. #1 by Wendy on March 27, 2014 - 10:23 am

    Ha ha ha!
    Interestingly, an ex boyfriend has a flat and a dacha in Ukraine. That was the most interesting thing about him, which is why he’s now an ex.
    I used to love seeing him try his Ukranian language skills on random East Europeans. Usually in Ryanair boarding queues. Strangely, he would choose attractive young women for this treatment and I don’t recall seeing a single one understand a single word that he said, rather there would be a sudden fear in their eyes.

    • #2 by diane messias on March 27, 2014 - 10:29 am

      A good few Crimeans had flats in Ukraine, only they now they’re apparently in Russia. Which brings a new meaning to ‘moving home’.

  2. #3 by TwistedByKnaves on April 2, 2014 - 4:47 pm

    Thank you for this clear analysis. And for not going into Turchynov’s explanation of his cuts to the police (“Because there’s no Crimea”).

    • #4 by diane messias on April 3, 2014 - 9:36 am

      ‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello, what’s not going on ‘ere then?

  3. #5 by TwistedByKnaves on April 3, 2014 - 12:12 pm

    Rats!! Do you ever spot a better turn of phrase AFTER you have published? That should of course have been, “Because we’ve no Crimea.”

  4. #6 by TwistedByKnaves on April 3, 2014 - 12:27 pm

    AND I seem to have got the wrong Ukrainian leader. Perhaps I should leave this stuff to the professionals?

    • #7 by diane messias on April 3, 2014 - 3:33 pm

      The author of this blog takes no responsibility for political ignorance on behalf of her readers, and would like to point out that a health and safety warning appears clearly on this page:

      “Ukraine if you want to”.

      Admission strictly non-refundable.

  5. #9 by diane messias on April 3, 2014 - 3:54 pm

    Always been a problem.

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