It’s the heady summer months of the sporting calendar, when soaring temperatures cause soaring tempers at the soaring price of Wimbledon strawberries and cream (£40.30! Advantage The All England Club!), and Angry Murray sorely bites the dust, rather than a juicy Fragaria, in a semi-final; when grown men in lycra so tight, it severely compromises their marbles, congregate for the start of the Tour de France in Yorkshire (yes, I know Yorkshire wants to secede from the UK, but ‘Je vais aller au pied de nos escaliers, mon canard’ might be taking things a little too far); and excitable Uruguayan striker, Luis Suarez, literally sinks his teeth into a World Cup game because ‘he lost his balance’. Still, at least he left an impression on the other team.
But what can we learn from all this? Never one to waste an opportunity to educate the British population on how to leave the country the importance of politics, here’s the AmuzeNewz guide to all the facts and stats you need to know about Team Westminster.
N.B. Readers from overseas are simultaneously fascinated and bemused by our aristocracy, who stretch as far back in history to the very days when duplicitous behaviour, greed, and fornication for self-advancement were first invented. A popular misconception is because the word ‘COUNT’ is the first syllable of ‘country’, the land is ruled by such titled noblemen; it is important to realise, however, that the true pronunciation of ‘country’ is ‘cuntry’, which should give you some idea as to the kind of person to be found at the top echelon of British politics.
THE AMUZENEWZ GUIDE TO ALL THE FACTS AND STATS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TEAM WESTMINSTER
CAMERON, David
Right Wing. Has been wearing the No. 10 shirt for the past few years, but if current form is anything to go by, it looks like he might soon be on the benches.
DUNCAN SMITH, Iain
Very Right Wing. So totally unbalanced, he makes Suarez look like a champion tightrope walker. Ever on the attack, he is known for his vicious, unprovoked fouls on players from poorer, less-priviledged leagues.
CLEGG, Nick
Originally a centre half, Clegg has more recently been running alongside the right wingers, to the consternation of season ticket holders. It was rumoured he was trying to set up a 5-a-side team, but that this had to be abandoned because the players on the pitch would vastly outnumber the fans in the stands.
MILIBAND, ED
Reserve. Dribbler.
MITCHELL, Andrew
Red Card for foul language, inspiration of the modern day chant of the crowd addressed to the referee: “You don’t run this fucking football match”.
BERCOW, John
Referee. Often in the press thanks to the questionable antics of his WAG, Sally. Once a week in the clubhouse he endeavours to explain the offside rule to anyone who’ll listen. Which is no-one. Favourite intonation: “I run this fucking football match”.
2ND TEAMS
Consist of back benches, cross benches and very cross benches.
SEASON STATS
Goals – 0
Own Goals – 4,768
Paedophiles – Embargoed until 12th Never
amuzenewz 